i have never forgotten the night we met. I never will.
It was October 25, 2000. I was just 21 and you were 24. An “older man.”
I wore a gray GAP sweatshirt skirt, black top and knee high boots. I worked at Jeffersons and had gone in to flirt with Matt Kenton. It was “Happy Student Loan” day for you and Ty and the shots were being poured before i could tell you “no” any more. “No” wasn’t a word in your vocabulary that night. I thought you were rude and crass and enticing at the same time.
Teller’s was the place you went when your parents were in town, not to drink Chocolate Cake shots or Dom Perignon. I had never even heard of Dom Perignon…you wanted to impress me. You did…no one ever had like that before.
I escaped to the bathroom (which used to be an old bank lock box) where i called my mom to tell her what i was doing. She loved to hear my crazy stories, but i had a story for her that would go on for 8 years.
and one month
and 6 days
complete with broken hearts
one dog
2 houses full of “stuff”
i miss you and i hate you at the same time. Like crack, you are my drug. I can’t quit you and i know you are bad for me but being with you feels so good. Like crack.
The night we met we went to a strip club with friends. Young and drunk the naked strippers were props in our story. The week before you left me we went to a strip club with friends. Still young and drunk, the naked strippers were now the plot. I was a prop….
After the strip club 8 years ago we went to JB Stouts for martinis (probably the first time i had ever had one of those either). At Clinton Lake we drank wine and threw the glasses on the sidewalk b/c you liked the way it sounded.
I haven’t forgotten one detail of the night we met. I remember, more than anything about the night, the young, ambitious, handsome, won’t-take-no-for-an-answer young man you were.
I loved that man
but i also loved the one you became. The one who farts out loud, the one who didn’t have enough money 2 years ago to take me to a movie, the one who knows about puppy breath and puppy teeth, the one who fought over money with me, the one who worked more than he loved, the one who played harder than i ever could, the one who knows about chocolate chip cookie bowls, the one who was afraid to hold babies, the one who bought guns and cars without talking to me first. I loved you more 8 years later than i thought possible.
But YOU BROKE ME.
i changed who i was for you.
and that’s okay. I like who i am.
Do you like who you are?
When we met i was a naive college girl who grew up in a small farm town. I didn’t care about labels or brands or what car people drove. I didn’t know enough about stuff to realize that what you had made a statement about who you were. I learned though. I learned that nice clothes meant you cared, that expensive cars meant you cared, that where you vacationed meant you cared, i learned quickly that having more meant you cared and that the more you had the more others wanted to be like you.
I learned and fast….and it all came back to spit in our faces. Because we spent a good four or 5 years accumulating crap (the leather couches, the nice homes, the new cars, the jeans with expensive labels) and in the end we split it 50/50 and now neither one of us is any better off for it. It’s all just a bunch of crap.
i try to get mad at you, you know. Mad that you hurt me, mad that i had to move out, mad that you didn’t return my calls for a week, mad that you wouldn’t let me see the dog…mad doesn’t come easy to me now. I know WHY you did what you did.
I am home in Kansas today meeting my new baby nephew. I was finally able to get mad. I held that baby, kissed his new lips, ran my finger along his cheek and I got mad. I won’t have that with you…and i wanted it. I was busy (perhaps too busy b/c i never really had time for you or myself) making a life and business that i hoped someday would contribute to our lifestyle…photographing other people’s children, silently storing names in a file in the back of my head, taking notes on how moms would console their children, browsing clothing racks trying to decide what kind of clothes i would buy. I thought for sure we would have a little boy and he would be rough and rowdy and sweet and i would be the “disciplinarian” and you would be the fun one. I was okay with that.
Now someone else will have your son.
The first time you left me we were just out of college. You had taken a job in LA and as you pulled out of the apartment complex parking lot pulling a U-Haul behind your green Rodeo i sobbed and begged and made bargains with God so that you would come back to me…eight long months later you did. By that time, you had asked me to marry you and i had said yes and NOT ONCE in the 8 Novembers we shared did i doubt that answer.
The second time you left it was for “work” but you were gone for months at a time and sent money home every month to pay your share of the mortgage. I learned to resent you for that move…it was your job to mow the yard and when i did it my allergies kicked in and i sneezed and cussed and it wasn’t unheard of for me to sit on the grass out front and cry. I resented you every night i came home to nothing and every morning when i awoke to no one. By the time you came back, you had already decided that were going to start thinking about how you could leave me again.
The third time you left was “with or without” me. You decided for “us” that life in Colorado would be better and if i wasn’t willing to go then so be it. Did you know that the word “amen” means “so be it?” I didn’t follow right away, i couldn’t. Why would i want to sell my house, leave my family and move to be with someone who had already left me three times and would do so “with or without” me? But then i did…i remember driving out to see you…making those same bargains with God that you would want to be with me. For 9 hours you didn’t answer your phone and yet i made the bold gesture to do anything to be with you again.
You have been leaving me for 6 years.
When i moved here, it was no secret that i was scared and sad. I missed my family and my friends and suddenly i was a waitress again b/c i didn’t know what i was or what i wanted to be. You bought a home, i moved in, i wanted to be a part of the house and you held it all to yourself….karma…i had done the same 5 years earlier and you were making me pay.
You pushed and encouraged me to start my business and i did and it took 8-10 hours a day on top of the 5-7 i worked at the restaurant every night…i was tired. Too tired to take care of myself and too tired to be there for you.
But it wasn’t horrible. We had mountain days and Jeep rides and target trips and movie nights.
The 4th time you left me i was the one who did the leaving. You walked in the front door from Thanksgiving in Kansas and you told me you “needed a break.” Eight years and you needed a break? I cried, i held myself together, i packed a bag and you let me walk right out the door.
What you don’t know, what i haven’t wanted you to know is that you broke me. I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of knowing what you did to me…
you told me you did it at Christmas b/c you thought it would be easier for me. Thanks.
To be surrounded by my family would make it easier to forget 8 years you thought.
Well, my family lives in the town we met and went to college and there isn’t a single place here that doesn’t make me think of you. Everyone bought me gifts for our house….towels, pillows, candles. What the hell do i do with them now? Hang them on the ONE towel rack in my shitty apartment?
I spent the day holding my new nephew jealous b/c i thought i would have a Baby’s First Christmas in a year or so. I am, for the first time ever in my life, jealous of each and every person i know who gets to have children. I sat at the tree envisioning my life in 10 years…Aunt Jessie surrounded by toys for everyone’s child but her own.
But i won’t play pity me. I am smart enough to know that and 2cents won’t get me crap. I am too smart to wallow in my sorrow…or to give you that satisfaction.
You called me today. Four times. I can’t talk to you. I can’t be your friend. I can’t forget what you did to me. I can’t believe what you did to me.
and the worst part will always be that you think you did it the right way.
What you will never know is that i vomited, i sat on a rooftop overlooking the city and cried for an hour at a time, catatonic, i passed out in the shower b/c i hadn’t eaten for days, i took NyQuil at noon so i could just sleep, i drank a lot of alcohol, i called everyone i knew b/c i needed to talk, i sobbed. I laid on the floor in Erin’s bathroom b/c i didn’t have the strength to put clothes on. I cried when i got my hair colored and my nails painted. I spent a lot of money b/c for a split second at a time “stuff” made me feel better. I didn’t go to target for 2 weeks b/c i was afraid to see you. I just wanted my dog…to crawl up on my chest and snuggle but you kept her from me.
Who have you become?
You bought an AK47 yesterday….you bought an assault rifle. Your head is somewhere else these days. Our friends are buying toys for their children and you are out collecting guns, jeeps, booze and medical marijuana licenses. You need to grow up. No one wants a 32-year-old boy. If i can’t have you i certainly don’t know who else is going to want you. You aren’t a man yet. Your own mother doubts how well she raised you b/c you are rude to women, rude to her, don’t want children, don’t believe in God…who are you?
i feel like you tricked me into giving you eight years of myself.
and here is the thing you MUST know if you know nothing else. I could care less about the house or the couches or the dishes or the bed frame….don’t care at all about the patio furniture. And while that isn’t to say i didn’t love all of them, for me it was more about making a home than it was about the stuff that’s in it.
and, you know, i have been watching my family a lot this whole week i have been home. You told me that you didn’t want to end up miserable like my parents, well, they do the crossword puzzle together every morning, my mom never has to ask my dad to do ANYTHING for her the way your mom does, he brings her coffee every morning, she gets so excited about surprises she can bring to him, they eat out together every weekend, they go to Kansas City together for fun almost every weekend…they do everything together…and not because they have to, but because they want to. My parents may not hug and kiss, and my dad may be difficult and they may bicker, but they love each other on a level you and a lot of people won’t know. They are fused…their history is over 35 years of ups and downs and kids and cancer and empty-nests and grandbabies.
i wake up every morning and after i do yoga, i ask myself “what do you want?”
i want you. I have invested 8 years and a lot into this relationship.
but the thing is, i want to be happy and i want children and you don’t want a family and you don’t know what you want.
So i am investing more into me for once than i am in you…or us…or that stupid damn house.
i can’t believe you did this to me. I can’t believe you helped me move out and told me we were soulmates. I can’t believe i wasted thousands of kisses on you. I can’t believe i had named our children. I can’t believe…in…anything
you broke me
8 novembers 